Saturday, February 21, 2015

These Days

I spent three days last week hammering out what was going to be my next blog post. Three days of rearranging thoughts and words, deleting paragraphs and starting fresh, and never being completely satisfied with how it sounded. And to be honest, the reason I was never fully happy with it was because it wasn't genuinely what I wanted to write.

Most days I don't have a whole lot of wisdom to share, at least not a whole blog post worth. When I sit down with a friend over coffee I never have a speech prepared to deliver while she sits quietly and listens to me, soaking up my words. Instead, we share what we're going through, what struggles and joys life has thrown our way since the last time we sat down together, what we're learning, what we're thankful for. I'll probably never blow you away with what I have to say, but that's okay because that's not where I'm at in life. I'm stumbling along just like most of the rest of the world, learning as I go, and realizing that I have more questions than answers.

So here's my update on life. Feel free to get some coffee and pretend we're sitting on my couch while Owen naps. Imagine me with hair that needs to be washed, freezing cold air blowing through the closed window, and a toy explosion all over the floor. (Just being honest.)

Last month, Andrew went back to school for his PhD, and I'm beyond proud of him. The program is two nights each week and will last approximately two years, plus one year for his dissertation. We're having a mostly smooth transition to our new normal, but without a doubt the hardest part is having less time together as a family. I'm doing my best to be a source of love and support instead of a source of complaining that our toddler skipped his nap for the second time this week. Some days I do a better job of that than others. Owen and I both clamor for his attention the minute he walks through the door, and try to soak up each minute that we have with him. I have to keep reminding myself not to wish away the next three years. All of my life I've wished away time, hurrying on to the next stage of my life. Looking back, I missed out on so much by not appreciating and taking advantage of each individual season for what it was. This is a crazy, busy, exhausting phase that we're in, and we will rejoice when Andrew graduates and we get him back full-time. But it's also one of the sweetest phases that I've ever known. Owen is at an absolute perfect age, learning and soaking up every last thing (time to stop cursing under my breath when he wakes up too early in the morning). We love our little old house, the city we live in, our group of friends who have become more like family. I'm determined to appreciate the bejeezus out of this time, so I can look back one day and know that I didn't miss out on what I had while I had it.

Because Owen is getting to the age where I actually have to teach him about life instead of just keeping him alive, I've been doing some reading on the subject. Currently I'm reading Boundaries with Kids, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, and the book is incredible. I'm realizing that most of what I want to teach Owen, I still need to learn and put into practice in my own life. Parenting is an incredibly humbling process, I'm endlessly thankful for those that have gone before me who are willing to share their experiences and struggles. And I'm thankful for a God who is able to redeem my shortcomings.

We've been freezing our buns off in this little corner of the world, much like everyone else. Each winter I start to become a bit of a hermit, and this might be the worst winter yet. Before I ran errands earlier today, it had been 8 days since I last left the house, it's just so cold out there. I was being a good sport about the deep freeze, filling my time by coloring and doing puzzles with Owen and watching The Bachelor (this season is SO GOOD - and can I please be best friends with Kaitlyn?), but our pipes started freezing this week and now I'm struggling to muster a positive attitude. Spring will be so welcome whenever it decides to come, and I've got high hopes for March.

Speaking of March, I am planning Owen's second birthday party and I could just fall over from disbelief. That little boy lights up our life every single day with his crazy ideas, obsession with extremely boring train videos, and bossy little voice. I might just eat him up.

And speaking of Owen, he's woken up from his nap and is currently yelling, "Mama! None!" (Which means: Mama, I'm done napping!)

Before I get him, a quick update on my last post and the resolutions:

Start & keep up with a blog: It took me almost 2 months to write my second post, but I still get to count this as a success.. right?

Become a part of our church: Our attendance isn't great, but there has been slight progress. Andrew starting school has really made lazy Sunday mornings look all the more appealing, and Owen is beyond terrified of the nursery, but those are excuses and we'll continue to work on this.

Break up with my iPhone: Utter and complete failure. I discovered Trivia Crack.

Be active: Some improvement here! My friend Michelle and I have started going to a workout class together once a week. (Okay, okay, we plan to go once a week.) And I've been working out a few days each week at home. I still drag my feet to get started but always feel great afterwards.

Read more: In January I read Yes, Please by Amy Poehler. I was expecting it to be extremely jokey and lighthearted, but it surprised me with its moments of wisdom and heartwarming sentiment. They may have been hiding out amongst the vulgarity and stories of drug use, but they were there nonetheless. This month I'm reading Boundaries with Kids, as I mentioned, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who has kids.

Practice honesty: I can't say that I've had too many situations over the past two months that I've felt I needed to be more honest, but I have had plenty of moments when I've felt that I'm not enough instead of being comfortable with who I am. This will be something that I work on for the rest of my life but I'm determined to keep chipping away at it.

Foster creativity: I've been cooking up a storm over the past two months and have no intention of stopping. The more I learn and try new recipes, the more I fall in love with cooking. My backyard is piled with feet upon feet of snow, so the garden will have to wait a few more months.

Spend more time with Jesus: I certainly haven't done this perfectly, but far more frequently than in the past. It's been ingrained in me over the course of my life that I MUST read my Bible and pray in order to be a good Christian. I think those things bring me a certain level of anxiety because I've learned to tie them to my worthiness rather than freely enjoy them as God intended. But while I un-learn some of those thought processes I'm finding other ways of connecting with God, such as worship music and honest fellowship.

Writing these goals down to come back to has been so helpful and motivating to me. Even when I haven't done them perfectly, I'm encouraged by progress. Except for the Trivia Crack. It really is like crack.

Sincerely,
Sarah